


Il y a Longtemps Que Je T'aime

by nagi_schwarz



Series: Foxtrot [79]
Category: Dollhouse, First Monday, Sisters (1991 TV), Stargate Atlantis, Thoughtcrimes (2003)
Genre: Crossover, M/M, not actually RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 16:52:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6292393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nagi_schwarz/pseuds/nagi_schwarz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the comment_fic prompt: Stargate Atlantis, Any/Any, <i>I know you’re leaving in the morning when you wake up / Leave me with some kind of proof it’s not a dream</i>. John consults with the imprints the morning after his nightmares from Foxtrot's birthday. Post-series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Il y a Longtemps Que Je T'aime

John knew almost before he awoke that when he opened his eyes, Rodney would be gone. Chances were Evan and Joe were asleep together in one of their rooms, but John was alone in his bed, as if Rodney had never been there.  
  
But Rodney had been there.  
  
John remembered Rodney's arms around him, listening to Rodney's heartbeat, listening to Rodney sing that sweet old French lullaby.  
  
Remembered the chorus.  
  
_Il y a longtemps que je t'aime. Jamais je ne t'oublierai.  
  
I've loved you for a long time. I'll never forget you._  
  
John sat bolt upright, eyes wide. He remembered coming home from work, walking past Evan's room and seeing Evan packing his duffel bag, movements slow and dazed, because he'd gotten what he wanted, and it had ruined everything. He remembered coming home from work and wondering why Jennifer's car wasn't there and walking past her unlocked, empty office for the first time in his life.  
  
He'd figured Rodney would be gone from his _bed_ , not gone from –  
  
He threw aside the covers and bolted for the stairs, skidded across the landing and came to a halt at Rodney and Jennifer's bedroom door.  
  
Rodney's bedroom door.  
  
Rodney was curled up on his side of the bed, sound asleep. He looked as tired as John felt, shadows around his eyes, face pale and drawn. He hadn't even made it under the covers. John reached out, picked up the afghan he'd knitted for Rodney and Jennifer ages ago, and spread it over Rodney carefully. Then he turned and went back downstairs. He headed for the kitchen. Best thing to do would be to fix a bottle of water, throw on some shorts and a t-shirt, and go for a run.  
  
Evan was in the kitchen fixing a breakfast tray to take to Joe. "Hey," he said, voice gentle. "You sleep all right? Sorry I didn't come to check on you. Joe –"  
  
"I get it." John smiled tiredly. "Rodney was nice enough to check on me."  
  
Evan raised his eyebrows. "Rodney? Do you want me to fix a tray for the two of you?"  
  
John shook his head. "Nothing happened. Rodney was just being nice. Nicer than I deserve, under the circumstances. I'm gonna go for a run. Wake myself up a little bit. Burn off some tension."  
  
Evan put a hand on his wrist. "You're never undeserving of kindness, John. Especially not after what you went through last night."  
  
"I was stupid and afraid and I hurt us both, and now we both have to live with it. He doesn't deserve any of the hurt. This was my choice, not his." John pulled away, turned to one of the cupboards to find his water bottle.  
  
Evan sighed. "John –"  
  
"I can't talk about it right now."  
  
"Okay. But if you want to."  
  
"Thanks." And John left the house, and he ran. Ran twice as long and hard as usual, and when he got back, Rodney's car was gone, and Evan and Joe were doing dishes in the kitchen together. Joe looked tired, but he was smiling and leaning against Evan a little bit while they stood at the kitchen sink.  
  
"Rodney didn't leave, did he?" John asked. He didn't dare go upstairs and check Rodney's closet, see if all the clothes and his suitcase were gone.  
  
But Joe nodded. "Yeah. Said he had to run to the lab."  
  
Evan must have caught something in John's tone, because he said, "But he's not gone all the way. Not like I'd be planning to do."  
  
Joe's eyes went wide, and he looked like a kicked puppy. "I'm really sorry, Evan –"  
  
"It's in the past now." Evan kissed him on the cheek and continued rinsing dishes, stacking them in the dishwasher. "Stop worrying about it. I'm not going anywhere."  
  
John scrubbed a hand over his face. He was drenched with sweat. "I'm gonna go take a shower."  
  
"Want me to make anything for you?" Evan asked.  
  
"Toast and coffee is fine, thanks." John couldn't stand the sympathy in their eyes.  
  
_Not just sympathy, empathy,_ Brian said. _Evan's been where you've been. He was in love with Joe for a lot longer than you were in love with Rodney._  
  
"I'm still in love with Rodney, thanks." John stripped off his clothes and made sure to put them neatly in the hamper, then stepped into the shower. The warm water woke him up, eased his aching muscles, and as the sweat and grime washed away, he felt a little more awake, a little more alive. Hopeful.

 _What are you going to do now that Rodney's no longer with Jennifer?_ Traci asked.  
  
John rubbed himself down with a towel, which he hung up on the back of the bathroom door, and set about brushing his teeth. _Ball's in his court._  
  
_Not completely,_ Hostage Negotiator said.  
  
_How so?_ John seriously debated not shaving for the day, then decided against it. Too many years in the military. He'd hated going unshaven when he was with Teer and her people. Not to mention sometimes Joe went unshaven, and until he did something with his hair and his clothes, it was a quick and easy way to tell them apart.  
  
_You love him, he loves you, he's just come out of a long-term relationship, and he's in mourning,_ Brian said. _Loss of a long-term partner or spouse to break-up or divorce is_ in pari materia _to being widowed._  
  
_Blatant misuse of a legal term,_ Julian grumbled.  
  
_My point stands,_ Brian said firmly. _He needs time to grieve. And he needs time to process how you hurt him. And you need time to process this yourself. Rushing into a relationship when you're both hurting will end badly, even if you two are Meant To Be._  
  
John couldn't decide if he was pleased or alarmed that Brian thought they were Meant To Be, capitals and all.  
  
_Mostly I was thinking that John needs to show that he's genuinely remorseful and find a way to apologize,_ Hostage Negotiator said.  
  
Traci hummed thoughtfully; John hummed along with her, one of the upbeat pop songs she liked to rock out to on the radio whenever it came on. _Obviously the thing for John to do is to tell Rodney that he's sorry, he's still in love with him, and if Rodney is amenable to a future relationship, John is open to discussing terms that would make such a relationship a healthy one, but if Rodney is not open to such a relationship, to inform John in the most timely manner possible._  
  
_You've been hanging around Julian and Hostage Negotiator for too long,_ Brendan said.  
  
Traci just laughed, pleased.  
  
_She's right, though,_ Julian said.  
  
John stared at himself in the mirror. _I don't think I can._  
  
_Maybe write it in a note,_ English Teacher said.  
  
The thought of exposing himself, of risking that Rodney would say no, that door is forever closed, was terrifying.  
  
_I don't think I can,_ John said again.  
  
_You let a Wraith feed off of you, but you can't write a simple note?_ FBI Agent asked.  
  
_Don't oversimplify the importance of the note,_ Brian began.  
  
_This is usually the point where Joe would take over and just do it for me,_ John said, and he fiercely, fiercely missed Joe's presence in his head. Hadn't missed him this fiercely in the months since they'd been separated.  
  
_Looks like you have to do it yourself,_ Traci said.  
  
So John finished getting dressed, went into his office, found a blank sheet of paper, and wrote. He folded the letter, left it on Rodney's pillow in his bedroom, and waited.  
  
Rodney didn't get back to him about the letter for three agonizing days, during which Evan and Joe stress-baked in the kitchen, building up a stockpile of pastries and treats in case there was going to be a return to not eating together.  
  
And then Rodney caught John while he was sitting at the piano, eyes closed, picking out an arrangement of _Boats and Birds_ by Gregory and the Hawk.  
  
"I need time," Rodney said. "Give me time. But I'm willing to – to try."  
  
"Thank you," John said.  
  
"Don't thank me yet. This could go horribly wrong."  
  
John opened his eyes and looked up at him and said, "Thank you. For being willing to try. It's more than I deserve."  
  
"Someday," Rodney said, "we need to have a talk about the things you think you do and don't deserve."


End file.
